Who Are You?
“Who are you?”
A voice whispered to my consciousness.
“I am Jared.”
“Go deeper” the voice demanded.
“I am …”
Without any hesitation the voice followed my pause with, “I know where your thoughts are going Jared but lets try something to help you visualize who you are.”
I woke up, stared at the clock…it was just a dream. Or was it?
Running outside to get into my car I realized …it wasn’t there.
“Where am I? I asked to no one in particular but knew I would get a response.
“Does the Where really matter during this exercise Jared? The important question is Who are You? Yes, you’ve lost the comfort of your vehicle, the place you call home, neighbors, friends……yep, they are gone. Now let me ask again, Who are you?”
Seeking a spiritual answer since I was obviously dealing with some cosmic consciousness, Creator, God, whatever…..I stumbled into a shaky answer. “I’m kind. I’m flawed. I’m complex. I’m a deep thinker. Athletic. I’m ……”
“Those are terms you attach to the identity of you Jared….not you. Think about this some more and we’ll visit tomorrow”‘
Visit tomorrow I thought? I don’t even know where I am? It seems like a familiar bed I woke up in but everything is different. Perhaps an alternate reality or just a deep, deep dream I’m not able to pull myself out of. Yes, yes..it MUST be a deep dream. Possibly in a past life to help with clues about Who I Am? Hmm.
Seeing some kids playing in the street I thought maybe I could find some answers. Walking up slowly I suddenly realized I couldn’t understand them. They were not speaking a language I knew. I tried to interact but just got stares. Oh boy….
Running back inside to take a shower and hope I would wake up I suddenly realized I looked different. The tan that I had was gone. There are no fancy lotions on the counter, my whitening toothpaste is GONE!
I took off for my closet. The clothes were almost all gone. What I was able to grab didn’t even fit, was dirty at best. What’s happened to me? Where am I?
“You are right where you are supposed to be Jared. Part of what people spend their whole life searching for in a bottle, in a spiritual book, in churches, in malls, is a tugging desire to find out who they are. You may not realize it yet but you finally took the leap in terms of figuring out that answer.”
But everything I thought I knew is gone. My Keurig coffee maker, my running clothes, my art work, my car, my family, my friends, my journals, my pictures, my books, my debit card, my connections…..I have nothing?”
“Jared life is certainly subjective but you know this already. You have searched your entire life for answers to this very question. Desperately, frantically at times trying to find out Who You Are. You took some interesting approaches, I’ll grant you that. Fearless, if not disturbingly so in your “approach” with this quest.”
“Aye. I guess you’ve been watching me my whole life, eh?
“Beyond this life Jared. Just waiting patiently, grinning at how rich this experience I have wished for you to take hold of can be. You sure as hell took it to extremes didn’t you?”
Smiling as I think that I was right that God must cuss I answered, “If this life is a canvas, I only knew to use all the colors you gave me. I almost gave up you know. Trying to figure this whole thing out was fu&*ing exhausting.” For a moment I play out my life in my head. The pain. The stumbles. The relationships.
“Is it necessary for everyone to go through this much to find out the answer?”
“No. But it was your path. Nothing is an accident Jared and it took what you used to perceive as pain, to get you to the point you would find your role, do you know what I mean Jared?”
“Yes….I’m starting to see it. It feels ……freeing. Like I’ve been a fish swimming upstream my whole life working hard to stay in the same place…or so I thought. So my life, my experiences, have all had value? Were all meant to teach me something? But what about people I’ve lost. People I’ve hurt. Friends that have died?”
“Teachers. All of them.” 😉
“I’ve just been waiting for you to catch up to the point you finally got to see what it was all about. Your role. Who you are. You always talk about the lock around your ankle and the key hanging around our neck that we so often miss. Do you know what that key is now?”
“The truth of who I am?”
“That’s right. Now let’s finish up here. Go inside your soul that has been shackled by an identity of stuff, of conditioned ideas, of beliefs not yours, of things that were not the essence of you. So I took them from you, you’ll thank me later. So I took your border, your pledge of allegiance and expanded it a bit. So what? So I took your ability to have your own car. So what? So I actually compromised your debit card so that you would learn the real lesson in all this quicker. So what? So with a new organic diet and complete holistic life the one bag of clothes you brought don’t fit. So what? So you don’t know the language and can’t go to the grocery store and ask for anything or even over hear the conversation of the cute old couple checking out. So what? I know you’ve been scared. I know you’ved faced every fear in the world. You were ready Jared or I wouldn’t have done it.”
This uncomfortable period was necessary for you. It would have taken another 20 years of reading books, and groups of so called like minded folks for you to get where you are.
“But what about Sunniva?”
“What about her?”
“She seems so real. So right.”
“She is Jared. So what, you think the growth and changes happening in her life are you? They aren’t. You think the growth and changes happening in your life are because of her? They aren’t. You two are what we call perfect mirrors, they just enhance what you are already. Both of you are changing in powerful ways. It was the union of you two that allowed me to start whispering a bit louder to each of you. Two extensions of me that just tilt mirrors the right way. I know you know what I mean or you wouldn’t have been ready. You wouldn’t have taken this leap. You need to know I/we are proud of you. You aren’t becoming somebody new Jared, you just became ready to ask the question and seek the answer to the question Who are You?”
“From the time you left Texas Jared up until now my hand has been gently around you. There are no accidents. Your choices, your thoughts, your dreams while sleeping, the people coming in and out of your life, are no accident. No accident those clothes don’t fit. No accident this language is only spoken by 5 million and has been challenging to start learning at your age. No accident about your debit card. Sorry about that ….I just needed to get your full attention. Remember the light you guys sat while on the narrow boat Jared. Remember the top of the hill when you guys hiked up to the lookout point at sunset. That’s me.”
Deep breath….. This journey, this experience has been powerful. Full of laughs, tears, pain, struggles, shedding all that was, for all that can be. It’s never easy to change in this kind of way. To find the answer we all seem to be searching for. It’s easier to work harder at a job we don’t like. To buy more stuff. To get new friends. To hold onto ideas or find ways to comfort our identity that we so cling to. I understand now what it’s all been about. Everything.
I bring my head up and quietly look to the side. Overwhelmed by tears I know the answer.
“Sunniva, wake up, wake up! Source talked to me! He/she/it cusses! Whatever the hell we call it, it’s really with me. It’s with us. It’s been here all along. I was right about the energy we saw. It was in England on the canal. It was on the hill. The light Sunniva that’s been following me since then. It was telling me, showing me. I kept having doubt creep in as to what it meant. No doubts anymore”
I am you. I am the trees. I am the light. I am the wind across my face. I am all that was and all that will be. I can now teach. I can now continue to listen to the whispers that I used to drown out. I can love where I used to fear. I can question where I used to be afraid to. I can trust that I am part of all that is above and all that is below. I can trust that salvation is about our ego. Resurrection is about rebirth. We, all have the same power to see through the glass so to speak, remember that Source isn’t out there, but Divinity is inside.
What I am not is things I used to use as identifiers of me. I am not an athlete, I am not tan, I am not good lotion. I am not a brand developer/sales strategist/business operator.I am not kind/humble/complex/patient/envious/tall/short/overweight/underweight. I am not American. I am not rich or poor. I am not white or black or even Native American. Those are part of different ways I identity but not me.
By taking this leap that I have, I stripped away every possible means of comfort. I was left with me. When you pull away your job title, your money, your vehicle, your fancy lotions and teeth whiteners, you just have you. Take away the language you take for granted to speak, take away job connections and what you have is you. The eternal you. Take away processed foods, any medications, anything that prevents extreme clarity…TV, drone of cars….what your left with is the raw essence of you, not what we fabricate ourselves to be, wish us to be…just what we simply are.
I’m nobody new, I just found me.
Yes, stuff gets to you when not rested, you want to cling back quickly to this Earthly idea of needing money in your account, a car in your drive way but it means nothing on eternal thread of evolution. It’s just “stuff” on this ride.
Stuff if not attached to can be healthy, some stuff is
“Stuff” can be ways to give back to humanity. I’m not implying it can’t. It can and will for me but I needed to be stripped naked of all that was, for all that can be. I needed to not just be ready and willing, I needed to take extreme action. I’m fascinated by how for tens of thousands of years we didn’t need credit cards, grocery stores, gyms to make it…….we did just fine and in some ways “stuff” ..well, in lots of ways it slows down growth.
I’m not implying you need to leave your country, sell your car, have a debit card get compromised while abroad, not fit into your clothes, strip all things that pad your comfort, to find the answer…but I am telling you it helped me get much deeper and allow me to hear the whisper within my soul. When I quit looking for it, it found me.
Who are you?