Shifting from the Critical Eye to a New Lens….
So I have many neurosis, and I think most of us do to be honest. How they manifest themselves and how we objectify them is up to us.
I am a person with 1000 shades of “me” and that is very hard for the untrained eye to pin down. It would make one appear very “inconsistent’ “unpredictable” and a variety of other things.
A friend of mine who also follows the stars, sent me my chart the other day.
It reminded me that people born on my day, in particular, Libras in general, if you will humor me if a naysayer, is the sign of the scales.
Constantly refining “what is” so that our authentic self is broken down into hours, then minutes, seconds, nanoseconds, to an infinite set of refinements seeking some sort of answer or balance, some understanding of the world around us.
This isn’t about the month of Libra, or Halloween, or stars, or the universe or even if you think astrology is bunk or no…. this is about a set of eyes that can be oh so critical. My eyes.
My little studio apartment is a reflection of me, sometimes spotless, sometimes very messy, but always me. I realized that I am “ashamed’ or “judge” so much of who I am inside, and my apartment is a reflection of that.
Bear with me on how this ties together, and what led me to this awareness is one of my neighbors that is a “pop by” person. We all know the pop by person. (Seinfeld episode comes to mind) and if you live right next door you can’t hide, you can’t text back “sorry, maybe next week we can have coffee” like we tend to do with the rest of the world.
We wait until we think things are perfect. Till the time is just right to meet up and catch up with that old friend. I am so very guilty of this and really need to work on it.
I am a perfectionist and this is a flaw. It’s hurt me, it’s hurt my growth, it’s hurt my ability to love all of me…so that I can heal ALL OF ME.
I catch myself turning over books and glancing quickly to see what I may have left out. Why? I don’t have anything to hide.
My story, my life is not much of a secret and if I speak in parables at times it’s to protect others. Soon I’m going to board a flight to Europe and I can be less picky about words I choose when trying to honor my truth, humbly say “Here I am”. Imperfect, growing, changing, and finally seeing the boy I have been is on his way to becoming a man. I have a list of successes very deep, and a list of failures that would shatter, has shattered many hearts.
So this person pops in before her boyfriend’s band plays tonight and we talk about psychology or literature or just whatever comes to mind. You live alone long enough, you appreciate any conversation. LOL. I sometimes seem startled and want to say “give me ten minutes to get my dirty plates away and have a space presentable for just having conversation” but the thing is, she doesn’t care, and most of the world doesn’t care, IT’S I THAT CARES THAT I MAKE THINGS SEEM PERFECT WHEN THEY AREN’T.
“Jared it’s you that judges this room so harshly. You see the flaws; you are judging yourself. An eye that did not know who lived here would see something probably very different.”
They would see art, a man who loves his children, clearly family means the world to him, he loves music, and is somewhat of a mad creator, who loves to be inspired and surrounds himself with things that do just that – inspire him. Where you see a dirty plate and clutter, they may see the dirt from shoes that had been on a trail that makes them envious, a bike that shows you love to be outside, and a glance around the room shows an energy of thought, love, and someone really bright, really open to new ideas, and really hungry to become better.”
I paused, and for the first time in a long time I stepped out of my own critical, judging, self condemning eyes and saw what a stranger might see. Wow…
Yep, not perfect, but it’s who I am right now, at this moment.
Tomorrow after a planned 25 mile ride with the sun back out, Ill power clean this place, mop, and get anal retentive again and that too is me…. it’s all me.
I have a lot more to say, but a lot of it relates to a new site and a message coming out this December in a place to keep those redemption songs. Songs of freedom as Bob Marley would say. My songs.
I have come along way, and have a long way to go, but I need to remember to be kind to myself if I want my kids to be kind to themselves. Modeling of behavior is more than just walking a straight line, it’s that internal energy as well that says “It’s okay to be you, whoever you are”
I write in stream of consciousness for most blogs, that means I have no format, rarely notes, and just type as I think and that’s okay by me.
I wanted to add to something I said earlier about being happy, because I watched a lot of Ted Talks and read some thought provoking things on the nature of happiness this rainy Saturday. The truth is, what made me really happy is all gone.
Temporarily at least.
Please don’t pity me for one second, I have created many messes and have to clean them up and see those messes as chances to teach, chances to learn from, or those messes, all our messes would have no meaning in life and be wasted time on this journey we seem to get maybe one more shot at it, that journey or experience is called life.
So when one does something self destructive, or loses something tragically, whatever the circumstances…finding happiness without all those things we thought were our existence (wife who understands your core finally, children, nature, daring to dream again) takes some work. You have to learn to love yourself again, you have to learn to love without attachment to things, and this is something I forgot completely.
Kahlil Gibran writes about it eloquently, it’s in my wedding book written by the man who officiated it and it’s in another special leather book someone gave me on my 40th birthday.
Not until today, did I really want to believe those words fully again, not until today at this moment do I feel them as “truth” and not just an idea or a philosophy to ponder.
It’s sounds cliché’ but we have got to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.
Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.