Learning to Dance in the Rain (4 years – Papa- New York City)

Posted by on November 28, 2015 in Blog | 0 comments

Learning to Dance in the Rain (4 years – Papa- New York City)

It’s a strange little period of life I’m finishing up, and the most important lessons for me are all about self development.  It’s been a canvas with every color of paint used.


Today was a good day. Interacting with the little souls I so cherish was  like local honey on a piece of amazing toasted bread! Special…




Also a 4 year anniversary from the moment I “met” the mother of my kids online via this strange platform we call Facebook. That’s a story that seems so old, or from so long ago, and also told many times.  What all we’ve seen and experienced in 4 years, I still believe many couples haven’t pressed into a decade.


I was in a relationship for over a decade, and it certainly didn’t involve 4000 mile moves, animals and trailers to the Arctic circle, cross country road trips for dogs, home births, business startups, and just being a dad in a foreign land to scratch the surface – not to mention the last year and a half.

No doubt intense struggles that came with those awesome memories, but it  has a future that is untold and what I feel certain is this; two parents guiding young people in a very balanced and healthy way. Very few things I can control today, but getting in the way of that, is something I can.  (taking care of me is now something I have power over, and something I honor and love to do)


I won’t say much more about her, but know that I love her, and it’s been hard not to talk about someone you care about, someone who’s felt bruised and confused I suspect.  One year apart is a long time, and I never would have owned it as appropriate because as a stat lover only 25% make it back. Well, if you see stats like recovery, which I now do, it’s the 25% that were supposed to.


If you only see stats, you don’t see the ones that wanted it or desired healing and faced fears.  Recovery has a 100% success rate when people are ready, when you have burned to ashes and choose one of only two roads left. This process takes years to get to, and I’m thankful I reached mine at 42 years young.


This is just me reflecting a bit on a day that means quite a bit. Not as much as Jan 17th, or April 4th, or the day the children were born…but still a day that had my head spinning and I didn’t know why until tonight.  All day I was walking around looking at photos from that exact period and found a video filmed on a narrow boat that reminded me of that era because we met staying on one sort of by complete chance.   Anyway, for no other reason than that I was just thinking about that period…not dwelling or obsessing, just sort of smiling as we ate leftovers and watched football. (big difference)


So  it hit me tonight as I was about to write a blog for Copypanthers, the company I will freelance again for with passion as it’s my ONLY job for the first time in three years (open to job offers for any readers out thereJ), that IT WAS TODAY.  A chance moment in time that if it did not occure, Neo would not exist. Period.  So, thank you Facebook for chat window and fateful connections with like minded people. It led to a miracle boy whose name means “New beginning” and a story she shared today represents that.


“We sense that ‘normal’ isn’t coming back, that we are being born into a new normal: a new kind of society, a new relationship to the earth, a new experience of being human.”
― Charles Eisenstein


Make no mistake he is part of a new paradigm, and understanding at 2 ½ that a dead cow means “empty” because the soul has left and coming up to her later in the day to say in Norwegian “Mama, the cow is now empty” is beyond cool.  I claim no knowledge of the other side, but deep beliefs that we are spiritual and sentient beings.   The story gave me goosebumps, chills, and I smiled wide when I read that.  “Yes son, you got it.”


Being a dad to this generation of thinkers, feelers, and the ones I think will be a tipping point in terms of how we care for this planet and how we see our impact on it and work to change the damage done, or limit it drastically as we look out 100 years…  .

So today I got to hear Papa and see a young Beatle’esque boy shake his head like Paul McCartney and laugh, and laugh and laugh and smile.  Cue Happy Video. It doesn’t take much to see your soul light up with time with your kids



I miss being a papa, but listen to me, I am happy for this year in solitude.  I am painfully grateful for how things have turned out. And that won’t be fully understood to many for months to come, and that’s okay.

“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


New York City



Tonight I was looking at my list and trying not to panic. I’m patiently waiting on things to fall into place so I can get out of the country on time and with the right bags in toe. I’m taking one back to Sweden with stuff we missed, and I’ll get what I need in the other bag.


A real joy is my  brief time coming into  New York City. I was in the  10th grade the last time I went, and took a high school friend and did all the tourist stuff. Statue of Liberty, top of Empire State Building, Smithsonian, and that sort of thing.


This time I will do things differently. I’m staying at midtown in a European style place with tiny rooms and a shared bath, but an amazing location!!! Again I have to thank an angel of sorts, a US  business owner following my recovery story and family journey without my knowing just took care of that hotel without anything needed “keep on the road your on.” That’s an easy promise to make today. She said something else I won’t share, but that part brought a tear to my eye.  Somewhere along the way you give up on yourself, others of course do, but it’s harder to find your own way back, your own will, your own desire, your own self worth, and that’s why isolation is how it had to happen. I had to know for me, I could love life without a wife, I could love life without chemicals that caused me problems in different periods throughout my life.


So yeah, I’ll be a ten minute walk to Times square and you can be damned sure I will people watch, see the 9/11 memorial, use the subway system and walk, walk, and walk! I can’t wait!  Someone in the city said to get a sunset pic at the top of the Met! So I’m going to try and do just that!



Another tip was a 100 year old Italian dive where I can eat for 20$ and get the most authentic New York Italian with items on the menu since the turn of the last century.


I’ll get into my hotel around 6PM and have all of the 9th, and most of the 10th as my flight to Oslo is an overnight that leaves at 10PM.


Yep, today was a good day. A great day. I enjoyed the aspects of Thanksgiving that make it unique. Always feeling like somewhat of an odd duck as a very progressive liberal in a room full of folks not sharing those ideologies on most common global themes, this year I reflect on what we SHARE  in common: History, blood, and respect.


You see, differing vantage points about climate, gays, guns, are just reflections of who we are. Our culture, our peers, our parents, our DNA, and so much more.  Who am I to judge in the end? I feel proud of my views, and confident in them but I’m not here to change opinions as that rarely happens through conversation..usually self examination, growth, or personal experiences that alter a paradigm that seemed absolute until the next experience reshapes the paradigm. Tis life…


“you believe today’s paradigm are not going to change…. Ask the caveman then if his paradigms changed or not. think for yourself you loose. think for coming generations you win.”
― Sameh Elsayed


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