Books, Recovery, Moving, and Fayetteville (Musings on Recovery – Final US Segment)
“Throughout my life, until this very moment, whatever virtue I have accomplished, including any benefit that may come from this book, I dedicate to the welfare of all beings.
May the roots of suffering diminish. May warfare, violence, neglect, indifference, and addiction also decrease.
May the wisdom and compassion of all beings increase, now and in the future.
May we clearly see all the barriers we erect between ourselves and others to be as insubstantial as our dreams.
May we appreciate the great perfection of all phenomena.
May we continue to open our hearts and minds, in order to work ceaselessly for the benefit of all beings.
May we go to the places that scare us.
May we lead the life of a warrior.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
This is to say goodbye to the USA and this city that has seen so many shades of bright light and darkness that to not leave a bit of homage would be a shame. Today, like everyday it seems, was a metaphor for life itself. So here I go…
Lessons and challenges and weariness; laughter and meditation and talks with my sponsor; and laying in the park on a beautiful day, the sun shining and the grass and the children play” ….after riding my bike and feeling some frustration and, well… you get the picture?
Life for me, and what I see and aspire to be is honoring all that is. I will never be perfect, but I am beginning to understand the concept of the meaning of my life. I have recently read some powerful books and am about to read some more.
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.”
― Barbara Bloom
This is a blog with quotes, pictures, videos, and a 45-minute goodbye about addiction, recovery, a kind hearted friend who’s never met me but roots for our family, and quietly says “I see your darkness and get it, and I see your hope and I’m inspired”
Where this package today came from, the book and things inside humbles me so deeply, the voice of that person and their own path and success and selfless approach to reaching out to people authentically gives me hope. As I shared the story with Andreas he said (and rarely speaks like this) “This gives me hope for mankind” “Giving with expecting nothing in return is not common, codependent giving with expecting something is what most see as “giving” That’s a huge compliment and a true statement about giving without knowing that person because you felt called to do so.
My obligation? To take the ripple created by doing a good deed and keep making new waves.
This is going to be a reflection of where I am 4 days from being many hours into my New York City adventure before life in Oslo, Norway begins.
So follow me with some quotes, some pictures, some videos, and for my own selfish reasons this is an homage I can put into the ether about life, this city, and the complexity and paradox of where I stand today. Having to both embrace it with enthusiasm and courage and step cautiously and respectfully for those on the other side.
To my soul friends, my supporters, those that I have let down, just know my only way to repay you is to keep patching the web that we all believe in (soul friends/ recovery friends/ etc.)
(I would insert 8 photos here but I don’t think I should name them, but you know who you are, my circle is not big)
Life is fleeing and I have more regrets than I care to share, but if I don’t try my best to move forward I can’t heal those regrets with self pity and self loathing. I can only try and heal them by PATCHING THE WEB.
By the grace of the human condition and spirit of so many, I get new chances to weave the threads that have broken. To repair bridges and create a vase stronger than it was before it crashed to the ground.
Thank you for taking to me to meetings. Running errands with me. Having coffee. Breakfast. Supporting our business. Hearing me vent. Hearing me cheer. Letting me listen.
Thank you for being patient. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for teaching me.
Fayetteville, AR it’s time to say goodbye. We’ve shared 16 years, 3 relationships, a plethora of groups of friends that have been lost and my life is now about being present to two kids that are 4300 miles away and this socialist capitalist finds the idea of growing old in Europe after 40 years in this great country I’ve traveled to every corner of…. sort of a fate I am ready for.
Dr. Freund, the Psychology Department (I lack 21 hours and I hope Dr. Freund and I can finish that up when I get the funds to do it next year AND I lack 11 hours at SFA and my advisor there is ready to help me finish. He’s a good man, a unique spirit and one of a few like Lowell Grisham and Mayor Jordan (people who inspired me) I’ll never forget their impact indirectly or directly.
So yes, a BA and a BS are literally a handful of hours away at two universities. And then I can do what I really am at heart, follow my academic nature and get credential to help teach and heal with the catalyst of my life’s past as fuel.
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
— Aristotle (Metaphysics)
Thank you to investors of SAS (won’t name for discretion) , to people who donated items, donated their hearts and souls because they saw something deep in both my wife and I. Thank you to every person I’ve met in this town.
Thank you to my family, my friends. I have so many bridges to repair after years of needing to pull away into my own darkness because of fear it would hurt you. Not knowing, what people really just want is to see you, and feel your presence without being perfect.
Two people have had dreams, one my wife knows personally that has rare prophetic dreams she shares on occasion. 2 years ago she woke Sunniva about a house burning down to ashes, and it eventually rising up and turning into a temple, and she saw people lined up (tears)
Another conduit that messaged me every single time I fell, it was eerie and I thought she was part of some black ops operation because how can you KNOW EVERY TIME. It may have been months, one time years, but every time she says “I had a dream” I was not “here”, I was in darkness make no mistake about it
She messaged this week to say I have had several dreams and I wanted you to know. A gold eagle…. does it mean anything to you? And 3 rings that finally turned to rainbows…. (circles she has referenced a lot that I thought tied to spiritual trinity or the three angels in my life (wife and 2 kids)
Well I’ve written about myself as the phoenix rising from the ashes and if you do a google image of “phoenix rising” it’s going to be a gold eagle. The rings she has mentioned for years.
My only contact with this person in England is about “dreams” she had and a person speaking to her to get messages to me.
I’d think she as bat shit crazy if not FOR BEING RIGHT every single time I fell. She would message. I still have a hard time believing it and I’m a believer in the supernatural but I still was skeptical.
I am rising from the ashes, these dreams are not just making sense, but are my life, my story, and I can only hope help to heal and bring forth new life out of the ashes of all those involved.
Enjoy some songs and pictures and my final ramblings as I pack up tomorrow to prepare for a long journey with no certainties except a state of mind and growth I’ve never known or owned before.
The essence of bravery is being without self-deception.”
― Pema Chödrön,