Becoming a Father in 7-8 weeks …
Today I wanted to just share some thoughts from the heart with no agenda/notes/or even vision of where to write. I usually have one sentence or an idea and then just write with stream of consciousness guiding me.
I remember when we found out the news and I shared those emotions with “The Night I found Out I Was Going to Become a Father.” I was shaken. I was brought to my knees in emotion. “It can’t be real Sunniva” as if to say please, please don’t tease me with this.
We all have roles to fill and purposes that bring us into this world and being a dad was my reason. Because that evaded me for so long that it wore on my soul, it broke my spirit a bit…so to see the two lines that night on the pregnancy test was more than I could bear.
I’d call the state “Happy Delirium” Screams, tears from my knees saying “Is this real??????” “This can’t be real” I don’t deserve this, this can’t be right.
It was real and by the ones following our story you see this baby is nearing the point he/she comes into the world. The ride between that night and now seems like 5 years because of our journey.
How to get to US, how to move horses, what to do with dogs, the costs, the business we had dreamed of moving to the US and starting full on…. a lot needed to happen from my birthday when I got the news we were indeed having a baby.
My own biological father for reasons likely complex and not my place to judge or assess in this format was not around during the early years. I came out of the womb a deeply sensitive soul with a big heart, a lot of fear, and uncomfortable feelings about things I saw, was around, etc. as many kids do in life I suppose.
I have a wonderful step dad who suited up to “be there” in the physical sense and never missed a game, or an event, graduation, National Honor Society induction, on an on…. but this sensitive, deep thinker always wondered if I had done something wrong.
It took 2 decades to realize I had done nothing wrong, that I needed to realize the future that I would carve out or not would be because of my own struggles, resistance, and angst and ultimately lessons, rewards, and success that was driven by this absent father aspect of my life.
For this reason the child in my wife’s belly is tied to my soul so deeply already. We feel it’s a boy, but healthy is all that I care about.
If it is a boy, he’s likely sensitive as I was and I know all the things along the way I wish people had seen in me. A voice I had to keep inside for so long till I felt freedom to “be me” and share my voice, my views, my passion, my truth.
This little boy (or girl) upon birth is going to be the most impactful moment of my own life today times 100. I love my wife, she is my soul mate, my best friend, and the reason that Universe/Source/God/Divine Consciousness decided it was time, but I don’t think any moments can compare to what’s coming. (I did not think I could have kids or for sure was skeptical)
I will listen to him. I will expose him to all I can. I won’t force my ideas on him. I will love him/her no matter who or what they are on Earth to do, not what I think they should do, but help guide more than anything with an observing eye. I recognize that both him and Gabi show me what I can be, and why I’m here on Earth.
People like me with complex minds that have lived a life struggling to find a box you fit into know the pain of that from an early age. It carries into adulthood and needs work. I hope my own self-work that was needed because of so many lost years can now be used to shape and mold my children.
The moment I see him/her crown and appear into the world as I prepare to catch him/her is going to be beyond powerful. The closest you can get to “Source” I think while living on Earth.
I am not scared about a natural childbirth, and not because it’s my wife’s second but because I now could not imagine it any other way.
I will begin to write more about the natural birth process from a guy not exposed to that much about it. I did not need and am not one to be convinced of things by others easily, it has to ring and vibrate in my soul.
Since I met Maria, our midwife, I knew from that second that I was about to embark on a journey, much deeper than having a baby in terms of what I had thought before.
This was about my wife and I bringing our son/daughter into the world naturally, together, with such trust in the process as God sees fit.
I am not going to ever blog or judge modern medicine births but I will tell my story with honesty,, authenticity, and humility.
We are about to hit week 32.
When we visit the Birthsong Midwifery it’s as if I’m entering a Temple of some sort. The amazing spirit of our midwife and those around her so aligns with your core you just feel like “home” is where you are.
She guides us, helps us, and is really good at what she does.
This isn’t a blog or the beginning of a series that will bash modern medicine (restating this for clarity) , but it is a beginning to a series of writings from my heart about the process of natural child birth from MY PERSPECTIVE, and it will touch on the emotions of what having a son (or daughter) means to my own spiritual growth/purpose/changing perspective of EVERYTHING.
I’ve wanted to be a father since I can remember. I think and know things happen for a reason and while I had almost given up hope, I hung on and I hope you do too.
This son or daughter, this special being that is preparing to come out is going to be in my arms before I know it.
I can’t even begin to explore how emotional that will make me. A calming, deep sense of “being” I suppose.
I will listen to every story. I will encourage him/her to explore life fully. Try new things. I will support them if they choose careers I don’t like; I will support them in life. It’s tough enough in today’s age just to “be” so it seems so vital to use this chance to mold the clay on that potters wheel and when it s time to let go you do.
I want Sunniva and I to show our kids they can dream, and move anywhere in the world if they want to. I want them to know it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to be a boy and write poetry and sing. It’s okay whatever he is GUIDED BY HIMSELF to do. We are there to help them find themselves I think and often that gets clouded in the parents ideas of what that means. Based on their own ideas.
We are the bows, they are the arrows, right? We prepare that bow and when we launch it we smile and know we got them ready to face the world head on.
Mostly I hope to walk the Earth every day just being a better example of who I am because of the miracle that waits me and that is my lesson to them. That is my teaching to them. The daily walk. The daily talks. The daily action.
Gabriela is a daughter to me, and I missed the first few years and birth, but she is and will never be different to me in my heart but getting to go through this childbirth process with my wife (and Gabi is pretty tied to it as well) is a dream come true.
I was afraid early on in my life. I was cautious about not doing things that might upset someone or not fit into the “traditional” scheme. These things helped me work through my own stuff as an adult but you hope with your child that you can save them a few steps in the wrong direction.
This is writing more journal like than a polished blog but I had a big tug to get some words down and begin the journey of writing from a father’s perspective on not just our natural childbirth, what natural parenting means to us, but also the challenges, and the victories.
I have waited my whole life for this moment to come…. and now, in 8 weeks or less that time will be here.